I’m just a guy that loves movies and loves talking about movies. Actually, that’s a lie. I love a lot of movies and really hate a lot of movies. But, either way, I love talking about them. I’ve been writing movie reviews for years and finally decided to share them because this interweb thing really seems to be taking off. I hope you enjoy my reviews and equally hope that you don’t bother me if you don’t.
Good news, movie fans! I’ve discovered the least interesting film ever made and it’s the new Tomb Raider. Note that I didn’t say that its bad. No, I at least remember bad movies and this does nothing to warrant an emotional response close to labelling it bad. It also certainly isn’t good, that’s for […]
The Nun is the prequel to Annabelle: Creation, which is the prequel to Annabelle, which is the prequel to The Conjuring and it tells the origin story of the villain in The Conjuring 2. In other words, this movie is here to answer questions that I never gave a fuck about asking. Despite the […]
I come with a gift for the world: the first negative review of Black Panther. Now, I know what you’re thinking. But, you say, you’re a cynical bastard that doesn’t like anything made after 1998. Yes, that’s somewhat true. But my brother and a friend of ours accompanied me to see this movie. My […]
Nothing comes out between Avengers and Deadpool, so here is some stupid shit about Gabrielle Union fighting robbers. Union stars as Shaun and her father just died after being hit by a van. The van collision is the opening scene and the movie implies that it wasn’t an accident, but that’s never mentioned […]
It’s finally here! And it fucking sucks! This movie has been in development for nearly two-thirds of my lifetime and I remember reading about it when I was a kid. To illustrate that point, I dug the April 1997 issue of Fangoria out of my closet and it states the following: “Touchstone Pictures bought […]
Go see this movie. Don’t wait until its on Netflix, go to the theater and see it. Let me put that plea into a bit of context. Not only is Annihilation an excellent film, but the assholes that run Paramount tried to bury it by dumping it directly onto Netflix after it received poor […]
Bear with me for a minute. I loved Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. I would get up early, get myself a bowl of Captain Crunch or Count Chocula and spend 5-6 hours in cartoon and sugar-fueled kid heaven. If you’re around my age (early-to-mid 30s), you might remember that one year we were […]
Yeah, I had never heard of this movie either until I saw it listed in the showtimes at my local theater. But that’s normal for this time of year, as studios don’t want to risk releasing anything significant against whatever Marvel movie was just released. There is almost always a little thriller or sci-fi […]
The Predator (or Predator 4, if it wasn’t titled by an asshole) is a colossal disappointment. I love the original Predator and Predator 2 is highly underrated (fun fact: Predator 2 was the first movie to receive the NC-17 rating when that replaced the X rating in 1990), but the series has been […]
This is shockingly awful. Let me start by saying that I don’t like Clint Eastwood. I fucking love Clint Eastwood. I love him as an actor, I love him as a director. He is one of the most iconic figures in the history of Hollywood and perhaps the most iconic such figure still working. […]