I come with a gift for the world: the first negative review of Black Panther. Now, I know what you’re thinking. But, you say, you’re a cynical bastard that doesn’t like anything made after 1998. Yes, that’s somewhat true. But my brother and a friend of ours accompanied me to see this movie. My brother never read comics, but he generally likes comic book movies. He didn’t like it. Our friend grew up reading Marvel comics the same way that I grew up reading DC comics. He didn’t like it. So I may be a cynical bastard, but this is the worst Marvel Universe movie.
Following the events of Captain America: Civil War, T’Challa ascends to the role of king/Black Panther in the kingdom of Wakanda. The plot goes something like this: The villain is revealed via flashbacks to have a relationship and vendetta against the hero. Long thought dead or just forgotten, the villain returns to take control of the city, which he perceives to be his birthright. He takes down the hero and gains control of the city while the hero is thought to be dead. Actually alive, the hero recovers and plans his return in secret, eventually returning to lead a rebel faction against the villain. Both sides collide in a huge battle with the hero and villain meeting in the middle. Once again triumphant, the hero retakes his mantle as protector of the city. Now, did I just describe the plot of Dark Knight Rises or Black Panther? Both answers are correct, as this film’s story arc is a complete ripoff of that Batman movie. In fact, the parallel is so strong that a visual nod to Dark Knight Rises indicates that the filmmakers were aware of what they were doing (the villain lifts the hero over his head during their mid-story battle, but this is completely different because the hero gets thrown over a waterfall instead of having his back shattered on the villain’s knee). Unfortunately, this movie doesn’t have Anne Hathaway in skintight leather pants, so I award it zero points for story.
There is a lot in this movie that I don’t understand. For instance, the villain’s motivation and plan make little sense to me. He should be angry with Wakanda, but actually seems to be angry with everyone but Wakanda for, um, reasons? He wants to launch an attack on the United States and Europe for little other than the vague notion that white people = bad. I’m also not sure how he expects his plan to work. Yeah, he mentions that they have a weapon that can get through metal detectors and shoot through tanks, so I guess he can get through insane levels of airport security with little issue. But the majority of his thousand-strong army are still armed with spears and boomerangs. If he had actually attacked the west, his whole army would be dead and Wakanda would be nuked in about 3 days. The stakes in this movie aren’t very high when you consider just how poorly-planned the villain’s scheme is.
I also don’t really understand the big deal with Wakanda or vibranium, the amazing metal that is only found in that city and has allowed them to make great technological advances. Kind of. Other than the metal’s medicinal properties (it can heal bullet wounds, for instance), it doesn’t seem that amazing. Wakanda has skyscrapers and stealth jets. Yeah, so does the rest of the world. They have magnetic propulsion systems. Yeah, Six Flags has been launching roller coasters with that technology for over 20 years. The people that wrote this film must think that US Steal is run by fucking wizards. For all of their technology, I guess they don’t have wi-fi because a Google search would reveal that most of this isn’t exactly mind blowing anymore and there is no reason for Wakanda to exist in secrecy from the world. Speaking of which, why the fuck is the city hidden? Do they realize that there are modern cities in Africa and nobody shits their pants when they find that out? This movie takes place in a universe where a Norse god and a green giant fought an alien army commanded by another Norse god at the direction of an intergalactic warlord, but the existence of a new metal is just too fucking much to handle? Considering that many of their neighbors don’t even have water filtration systems, its pretty dickish of them to keep all of this to themselves. At the end, Black Panther decides to build some sort of community center in Oakland to start giving back to the world. You know what would help more than a community center? The fucking thing that cures bullet wounds. But, yeah, a well-funded mentor program will be just as good, you dickhead.
I just didn’t give a shit about any of this. You might notice that I’m not referring to characters by their names and that’s because I don’t remember them (I had to go to IMDB to find out Black Panther’s actual name). The plot is a ripoff, much of it doesn’t make a lot of sense and the whole thing just feels bland and inconsequential. Yeah, I know why this movie is being made out to be such a big deal. But, as I’ve mentioned, I try to avoid any discussion of political or social issues in these reviews. To put it another way, I don’t give a shit. If somebody wants to explain to me why this is an amazing film and can do so without evoking a social cause, then I’m happy to listen. In the meantime, I recommend watching any other Marvel movie or Dark Knight Rises instead of this.
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