It’s finally here! And it fucking sucks! This movie has been in development for nearly two-thirds of my lifetime and I remember reading about it when I was a kid. To illustrate that point, I dug the April 1997 issue of Fangoria out of my closet and it states the following: “Touchstone Pictures bought the film rights to Steve Alten’s novel Megalodon, about an 80-foot prehistoric shark on the rampage, even before it landed a publisher….” Well, Touchstone Pictures hasn’t even existed for 18 years, so that didn’t exactly pan out. The film then bounced around Hollywood for the next two decades and I would occasionally hear that it was close to being made. It finally ended up at Warner Bros. in 2015 and they began serious development on it. I have been waiting for this movie since I was 12 years-old and, with all of that development time, I’m having a hard time comprehending what a piece of shit this is. This is one of the most cynical, soulless, spirit-crushing films that I have seen in a long time and, folks, that’s saying a lot coming from me.
I won’t go into the plot because I just saw this fucking thing last night and I already can’t remember the plot. Instead, let’s go straight into why this doesn’t work and why Hollywood can collectively blow me (not in a sexual way, but in a “you sons of bitches owe me retribution” kind of way). First, the rating. This is a movie about a giant shark that eats people. For two decades, this was being developed as an R-rated horror film. When Warner Bros. picked it up in 2015, it was still an R-rated horror film and they hired Eli Roth (who made Cabin Fever, Hostel and The Green Inferno) as director. He left over creative differences, and its pretty clear why. How do you logically replace the guy that made Cabin Fever and Hostel? Well, obviously you bring in the guy that made 3 Ninjas and Cool Runnings. When Jaws (my all-time favorite film) was released in 1975, it was rated PG. But that was 1975 and PG-rated movies could have blood, partial nudity, people being graphically eaten and (hide the children!) people drinking and smoking on screen. But this is not 1975; this is 2018 and everything is watered-down crap. Nobody dies on camera in this movie. Not a single fucking person. There is not a single ounce of blood. There is no suspense, there is no dread, there is no horror. This is a safe family film that parents can bring their 2018 kids to and not have to worry that they will see anything that is the slightest bit graphic or offensive. Even Jason Statham is publicly complaining that he signed on for a horror film and was then contractually obligated to film this neutered garbage. This is possibly the most plain, boring, uninteresting excuse for a monster movie that I have ever seen.
Secondly, this may be a Warner Bros. release, but it was largely financed by the Chinese and holy shit is that hilariously obvious. This film was not made for you, my American friends. This is a Chinese film made for China. Statham is one of the main leads, but that’s because he’s popular in China (a 4th Expendables is also in development solely because the Chinese put up the money for it). The second lead character is played by Bingbing Li, a Chinese actress that is hugely popular in her homeland (she also had a pointless role in one of the Transformers movies because those things are also made mainly for the Chinese). Much of the rest of the cast is Chinese. A big point is made of a character writing a letter to his wife. What does it say? I don’t fucking know because it’s in Chinese. The film takes detours to Shanghai and Taiwan for no reason and the finale takes place on a Chinese beach (no, this isn’t from the source novel, which ends up in San Diego). Sections of the movie are in Chinese with English subtitles. Most things are written in both English and Chinese, including the name of the boat even though its owned by an American. The camera lingers on Buddhist statues, the final shot of the film contains the Chinese flag and the end credits play over a bizarre Chinese rendition of “Hey Mickey.” Absolutely nothing about this film was done to make a quality film, let alone a quality horror film. This exists only because of a financing deal with a Chinese firm and is being released here as an afterthought.
A broader issue with co-financing a film with the Chinese, or any other foreign culture, is that it necessitates simplicity. You see, it’s difficult to translate things like themes, humor and character quirks between vastly different cultures. So, if you are aiming at two such different audiences, everything must be as basic as possible (this is also why the Transformers movies seem like they are written by an 8-year-old; good writing is hard to translate, but everybody understands explosions). Every character and every bit of dialogue in this film is purely forgettable, stereotypical crap. You have the stoic tough guy, the overly loud black guy that just makes jokes, the stern but caring Asian father, etc. Nothing about this script took the slightest bit of effort. I may not remember the film’s plot, but I remember that it has no structure. I saw this with a friend and I turned to him at one point and asked “Wasn’t this movie over 20 minutes ago?” This thing doesn’t end. They kill a shark and it just keeps going. It doesn’t have one false ending, it has five or six. There is no structure or buildup to anything, so you can’t tell if you are in the second or third act at any point. This is not a story; this is just a bunch of shit that happens in a vague sequence until they finally just decide to end it.
In a way, this has made me reflect on the parallels between the changes in this film and my own life since I read that issue of Fangoria in 1997. Maybe you start out with great intentions but things don’t go as planned. Maybe you let quality slide because you just got tired of having to fight for it. Maybe you do things that you know are wrong because somebody in a bigger office told you to do it. Maybe you now have to work with the Chinese. Now I’m sad. The Meg actually made me sad. Fuck you, Meg.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Meg#/media/File:The_Meg_2018_film_cover.png
