This is going to be a long one, folks, because I’m not happy.
Following his excellent appearance in Captain America: Civil War, the cleverly titled Spiderman: Homecoming is the web-slinger’s true introduction into the Marvel Universe where he belongs. For those that don’t follow movie industry shenanigans, there is a reason why this took so damn long: Marvel was near bankruptcy in the 90s and, to get quick cash, they sold the film rights to some of their biggest properties. Spiderman was sold to Columbia Pictures while X-Men and Fantastic Four went to 20th Century Fox (this is why Fox churns out a shitty Fantastic Four movie every so often; if they go too long without making one, they lose the rights to it). This was further complicated when Marvel was purchased by Disney a decade or so ago. Marvel Studios lost access to those characters because, being owned by Disney, they couldn’t work with a rival studio. However, after Columbia ruined the Spiderman franchise a second time with Amazing Spiderman 2, they finally swallowed their pride, admitted that they needed help and agreed to work with Disney/Marvel on future Spiderman movies, allowing the character entry into the Avengers universe. The point is that this was finally supposed to create the Spiderman movie that we have all wanted for a very long time. While this is not a bad movie, I am left disappointed after that buildup.
The biggest strength of this film is Michael Keaton’s portrayal of Adrian Toomes/Vulture. Toomes is a sympathetic character; a regular guy that runs a scraping/clean-up business that gets screwed over by the government, so he resorts to crime (specifically collecting all the weapons/technology left over from superhero battles and selling them to criminals on the black market). He is not necessarily evil, but a guy doing some dubious shit to support his family and get by in life. While sympathetic, he is also pretty damn intimidating. When in villain mode, Keaton acts like his character from Desperate Measures was transported into a superhero movie. I’ve made my love for Keaton clear in the past, but he nails this shit. The best scene in the film is a car ride in which Toomes and Parker both realize who each other are (kind of like the dance scene in Batman Returns); it’s an intense scene that highlights the fact that Vulture is both a guy that isn’t inherently evil and a guy that should not be fucked with. There is also a great plot twist with the character that I did not see coming, so I won’t spoil it.
The main problem with the film is tone. Keaton is acting like he is in a completely different (and better) movie than everybody else. Vulture is in a serious action/thriller film, while everyone else seems to be in a comedy. I understand that Spiderman is a kid in this movie, but this just didn’t work for me. I couldn’t take Tom Holland’s version of the character seriously. The previous versions of the character were somewhat lighthearted (as Spiderman should be), but they also knew when to shut the fuck up and take things seriously. In this, Parker is in goofy-kid mode the whole time and plays nearly everything for laughs. The carjacking scene in Amazing Spiderman did this the right way, but that movie also knew when to dial it back so that Spiderman wasn’t always acting like a comic relief character in a John Hughes film.
The other high school characters are worse. Peter’s best friend is some fat kid and the entirety of his dialogue is saying “that’s awesome!” and variations thereof. Really, that’s all that he says. Ever. I wanted him to die in a fire by the halfway point. The bully in this high school is some short, pudgy Indian kid that looks like he couldn’t successfully bully an injured kitten with a rocket launcher. I know that it sounds like I’m nit-picking, but this was a bewilderingly bad casting choice. I spent much of the movie wondering why anyone in this goddamn high school is putting up with any of this kid’s shit. It would be like if Anthony Michael Hall was playing the bully in The Breakfast Club and everyone just went with it. Speaking of The Breakfast Club, there is another odd dynamic in this high school: everyone’s life revolves around an academic decathlon. Everyone. Peter, the “this is awesome” kid, the bully, the hot chick, every single character. It’s like if all of the characters in The Breakfast Club were also on the chess team together and its fucking weird.
While we are on characters, there is a particular flaw in this movie that had previously been avoided in the Marvel Universe: in-name-only characters. These are characters that have the same names as significant ones from the comics despite the fact that they are nothing like those characters. Now, I’m not somebody that says that movie characters and their comic counterparts must match exactly. Even in this movie, huge liberties are taken with Vulture. But it is done well. However, I was very confused when one of Vulture’s henchmen was repeatedly referred to as Shocker (for my non-nerd readers, Shocker is a major Spiderman villain). The first time it happened, I thought it was just a little in-joke for comic fans. But they kept fucking calling him that. It would be like if, in Tim Burton’s Batman, the Joker started referring to Bob (the lead henchman) as the Riddler. Even worse is MJ (Mary Jane). This is going to be a spoiler, but it is only a spoiler because its fucking stupid. Throughout the film, there is this angsty cunt named Michelle that shows up periodically to roll her eyes, give people the finger and do things for the irony of them. She isn’t even a cynical teenager, but just a caricature of a cynical teenager. At the end, she reveals that her friends call her MJ. Fuck you. You don’t look like MJ, you sure as shit don’t act like MJ, your name isn’t Mary Jane and you have no friends. Go fuck yourself.
I was even annoyed by Spiderman’s suit, which reminded me of Batman Beyond. I never liked Batman Beyond because it cheapened the idea of Batman. If you put on a suit that gives you super strength, reflexes and the ability to fly, you aren’t Batman. You are a guy in an Iron Man suit with a bat logo on it. Similar thing here. Tony Stark gives Parker a suit that enhances his abilities and gives him a computer sidekick (like a superhero version of Siri). While his core abilities are the same, seeing him learn how to use the suit made it feel more like an Iron Man film than a Spiderman film and it continually annoyed me.
I know I’m making this movie sound awful and it isn’t. It is halfway good. All of the stuff with Vulture is great, as are Robert Downey Jr. and Marisa Tomei (as Aunt May). But every time the focus shifts to Parker and his band of teenaged assclowns, the film grinds to an irritating halt and feels like an episode of Victorious or some shit like that. It is far, far better than Spiderman 3 or Amazing Spiderman 2. But, for now, the original Spiderman remains my favorite of the franchise.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider-Man:_Homecoming#/media/File:Spider-Man_Homecoming_poster.jpg
