Categories
2017 Fantasy

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

               I seem to be in the minority with this series because I don’t hate any of the previous installments. Sure, the first one is easily the best. Yeah, they are all too long and the fourth one felt forced and unnecessary. But none of the previous sequels particularly bothered me; they are just harmless big-budget summer movies that aren’t particularly memorable. Well, good news, folks. I am coming aboard the Pirate hate train because this movie is garbage.

               Everything in this move is a half-assed version of something from the previous movies. In fact, it is essentially a remake of the first movie. Again, a group of cursed ghost pirates are after Jack Sparrow because he screwed them over in the past and a special item (Poseidon’s Trident this time around) is needed to break the curse. Sounds pretty goddamn familiar, doesn’t it? How many cursed ghost pirates has Sparrow pissed off over the years? Meanwhile, the son of Orlando Bloom’s character is also after the trident to free his father from the curse of Davey Jones’ ship. You know, just like Bloom did with his father in the second movie. Meanwhile, a young lady is tagging along (presumably for reasons) and she must realize and come to terms with the fact that her father is a pirate. You know, just like Bloom in the second movie.

             I had a couple of nagging questions during this film. First, where the fuck did Orlando Bloom’s son come from? He is supposed to be the son of Will and Elizabeth. Will has been off transporting souls (or whatever the fuck he is supposed to be doing) in the Flying Dutchman since the end of the third movie. That means the kid must have been conceived just prior to that, which would make him 10 or 11 years old. Except he isn’t a kid, he’s a grown man. The actor playing him is 27. Additionally, why the fuck has nobody mentioned Poseidon’s Trident before? The thing has the ability to lift all curses at sea. Considering that this entire series has revolved around various curses at sea, one might think that this thing would have been mentioned before. It makes the other movies seem goddamn pointless. These are plot holes that I can ignore in good movies, but I’m not giving this piece of shit the benefit of the doubt.

             The performances range from dull to almost amusingly indifferent. The two new hero characters (don’t remember their names) are utterly worthless. I saw this movie last night and I don’t even remember what the guy looked like. The girl is a bit more memorable only because she is pretty, but she infuses the character with the personality and charisma of a carpenter ant. Depp has clearly given his last fuck about this series. A lot of people said that he was phoning it in in the fourth movie, but I didn’t really get that impression. Here he isn’t just phoning it in, he sending it in via carrier pigeon. Javier Bardem is a great actor, especially in villain roles (see Skyfall or No Country for Old Men), but he is clearly just collecting a paycheck here. There is no personality to his character and I was constantly distracted by the layers of horseshit CGI on top of him. Even his fucking hair is CGI. I get that he drowned, but couldn’t you just make his hair wet? You seriously use computer effects to make something fucking damp? Fuck you, movie.

               This is just a soulless, corporate product. Nobody involved with this movie seems to want to be there. This is what happens when people lose their passion for a series, but have to continue to crank them out because they are still popular in China. It is quite a depressing viewing experience, less of a film and more of a contractual obligation. If you want to approximate this movie, just watch the original and imagine nobody giving a shit. I know that I don’t anymore.

Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_of_the_Caribbean:_Dead_Men_Tell_No_Tales#/media/File:Pirates_of_the_Caribbean,_Dead_Men_Tell_No_Tales.jpg

By The Film Doctor

I’m just a guy that loves movies and loves talking about movies. Actually, that’s a lie. I love a lot of movies and really hate a lot of movies. But, either way, I love talking about them. I’ve been writing movie reviews for years and finally decided to share them because this interweb thing really seems to be taking off. I hope you enjoy my reviews and equally hope that you don’t bother me if you don’t.