The Doctor’s Diagnosis: F
There was a time, not long ago, when the Blumhouse logo in front of a movie didn’t make me groan and regret my life choices. The Black Phone was my favorite movie of 2022 and the 2020 version of The Invisible Man is a great movie. That was only a few short years ago. I don’t know what the hell happened with the world’s dominant horror production company, but this needs to stop. Since The Black Phone was released, Blumhouse has been responsible for two of the worst horror sequels ever made (Halloween Ends and The Exorcist: Believer) and a steady stream of godawful PG-13 trash that wouldn’t cut it as an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? when I was a kid. If you liked Night Swim and Imaginary from earlier this year, then you can go fuck yourself and you’re also in luck because you are getting more of the same trash with the inspiringly-titled Afraid. Oh, sorry. It is supposed to be written AfrAId because its about AI and we’re all idiots.
Afraid is basically a remake of Blumhouse’s Megan (hey internet, are we still pretending that Megan isn’t a boring piece of shit made for five-year-olds?). A family is chosen to test out a new form of artificial intelligence called AIA, which is basically a souped-up version of Alexa. At first, AIA is a big help as it handles things like doctor’s appointments and insurance forms for the family. But, in an amazing twist, things become more sinister as it starts taking control of more and more of their lives. And I am using the word “sinister” very, very lightly.
As a quick aside, I saw Afraid on its opening night, which was August 29th. I would like to think that this was an intentional reference to Terminator 2: Judgement Day, as August 29th was the date that Skynet became self-aware and kicked off the titular judgement day. I feel like I’m giving the producers too much credit and it is probably just a coincidence, but I’m really grasping to give somebody credit for something here.
As with fellow 2024 Blumhouse productions Night Swim and Imaginary, calling Afraid a horror film is really stretching the definition of the genre. It would be like putting a knock-knock joke in the middle of The Deer Hunter and calling it a comedy. The villain is a computer and, therefore, not a physical threat, so we are relying on the villain’s influence and manipulation of smart technology to provide the scares. Now, that can work. This was done in iconic fashion in the first half of 2001: A Space Odyssey in the portion of that film that has a plot. However, there has to be a genuine sense of menace in order for it to work and Afraid never comes close to establishing this thing as a credible threat.
What we have here are some safe subplots that never amount to much. The little boy is addicted to his tablet because of poor parenting and is starting to notice girls, so he Googles “boobs” and get access denied (act like a grown man and Google “tits,” kid.). The AI unlocks it for him, but this never goes anywhere. You might think it would send this kid down a rabbit hole of depraved porn, but no, he is just allowed to search for boobs. The horror. The unspeakable horror.
The teenaged daughter has a douchebag boyfriend that is pressuring her into sending him a nude pic, so she quickly takes a picture of herself flashing her tits and that isn’t satisfactory to him. This brings me to two thoughts. First, why isn’t he putting this effort into seeing her naked in-person? And second, these kids are fucking spoiled. If the girl I liked in high school sent me a picture like that, it would have been about the best day of my life. Regardless, he insists on getting a better picture, which he then uses to deep-fake her into a porn video (again, I’m not understanding this kid’s end game here). This leads to the one time that the AI actually does something, as she takes control of the boyfriend’s smart car to kill him. Or hurt him. I don’t know, the movie is PG-13 so it just cuts away.
When the AI isn’t doing some tits-related shenanigans, its doing….well, not much. The movie is less than 90 minutes long and it feels like it is missing an entire middle portion that shows things escalating. By the last act, which comes shortly after the first act, the AI is treated as a massive, evil threat despite not really doing very much. Similar to Night Swim and Imaginary, not a whole hell of a lot happens in Afraid. There are no scares, no suspense and certainly no gore. This is basically a streaming movie that was, for some reason, released into theaters. It’s a background movie; something that people put on while they are doing laundry, occasionally glance up at the screen and then promptly forget. Cinema in 2024, folks.
I just don’t give a shit about these movies anymore. At least I got angry during The Crow; movies like Afraid are just deadening, emotional voids. If you like movies like this, Night Swim, Imaginary and Five Nights at Freddy’s, then that’s fine. If you think these are good horror movies, then you probably think that Bad Omens is a metal band and I’m not here to judge. You bed-wetting little pussies can like what you want. For anyone that’s looking for an actual horror movie, then this is another one that you can skip.
Image by: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Afraid_(film)#/media/File:Afraid_2024_poster.jpg
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