The Doctor’s Diagnosis: D
It’s amazing that it has taken this long for a Flash movie to get made. In a world where we are getting to the bottom of the barrel when it comes to superheroes to bring to the big screen, The Flash is basically the last A-list character to get their own movie. At least in theory, The Flash should be a movie about The Flash. Makes some sense, right? Unfortunately, as revealed and emphasized by the film’s marketing, The Flash is hardly the focal point of this film. As with many other recent superhero movies, The Flash is crushed under the weight of misguided ambition and an overreliance on nostalgia. What should have been a contained story about the title character is instead another exercise in universe building (and universe destroying) and cameo porn.
Loosely based on the Flashpoint storyline from the comic books, The Flash is about the title character using his powers to travel back in time to prevent the murder of his mother. Right off the bat, this is a terrible choice of material for the inaugural Flash movie because it goes far too into the weeds of the lore rather than using a more simple story about The Flash battling one of his rogues. Regardless, the time travel goes awry, as it always does, and The Flash alters the timeline and finds himself trapped in an alternative timeline where there are no superheroes but one: the very much retired version of Batman played by Michael Keaton. Together (along with a newly discovered Supergirl), they must set things right and fix the universe(s).
Even though the time-travel angle is a poor choice for the film (it would be more suitable for The Flash 3 or The Flash 4), there is a kernel of a good film here that’s trying to escape the bloated excesses of the script. There are solid dramatic moments here between The Flash and his parents that bring up serious questions about unintended consequences, the folly of dwelling on the past and whether the past can be a necessary evil for the present. These are heavy philosophical questions that you might not think would be discussed in a movie called The Flash……
…..and you would be right. Those moments are fleeting because we must abandon attempts at drama and character to establish another frigging multiverse. I hate multiverses. I hated them in the comics (the emphasis on them is one of the reasons I stopped reading comics) and I hate them in the movies. What should have been a simple and dramatic story about The Flash is instead used as a gateway to a whole lot of unnecessary bullshit that doesn’t serve the story and amounts to masturbatory fan service. These multiverse stories only serve two purposes: 1. To fill a movie with nostalgic cameos in the belief that familiarity will trick people into thinking that the movie is good (hey, it worked for Spider-Man: No Way Home) and 2. It gives movie studios a way to reboot and recast characters without entirely starting from scratch. That’s all it is.
Alright, let’s get to it: Michael Keaton’s Batman. I was absolutely dreading this because Batman and Batman Returns are two of my favorite movies of all time and I still wonder what we would have gotten if Keaton and Tim Burton had made a couple more Batman movies together. However, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind for all of those years. Keaton’s version of Batman makes little sense in this world and hardly seems like the same character that I remember. Why is he not surprised at all by the existence of aliens and time travel? I mean, he doesn’t even have any questions? When did he become so quirky and almost goofy instead of sullen and mysterious? The elephant in the room is, of course, his age and, yeah, it’s troublesome. I don’t mean that as a shot against Keaton; I hope I look nearly that good when I’m in my 70s. But how the fuck does a retired, 70-something year old man just suit up again and go right on kicking ass like it’s 1989? At least if the character hadn’t retired and had instead still been fighting crime at his age, it would make some sense. It would be a bit far-fetched, but it would make a hell of a lot more sense than this.
Of course, Keaton’s Batman isn’t the only returning character or blast from the past. We also get Ben Affleck back as the more recent Batman and find out that his Batsuit has become a cartoonish atrocity since we last saw him. We get a brief appearance by Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman and kudos to Gadot for finally filming a cameo this year where she actually appeared to be in the same room as the other actors. We also get brief cameos from a myriad of past on-screen incarnations of DC characters, everything from dead actors to a 30 year old in-joke about a giant spider. We get unnecessary references to Keaton’s Batman movies, everything from Joker’s laughing bag to Batman inexplicably bringing back the “you wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts.” line in a particularly cringe-inducing, eye-rolling moment. Much like Spider-Man: No Way Home and Ghostbusters: Afterlife the primary function of The Flash is to constantly yell “hey, remember this?” and hope that the memories cloud the perception of the shit you are currently watching. I absolutely despise this current run of nostalgia exploitation, but you might as well just read my rant from my review of Spider-Man: No Way Home. I was really on the day that I wrote that thing.
The film’s horrendous special effects have been the subject of much derision and it’s absolutely deserved. These are some of the worst digital effects that I have seen in years. How does a $200 million movie look like it was rendered with PlayStation 2 hardware? The director, Andy Muschietti, claimed that the effects intentionally look awful because they are supposed to be from The Flash’s distorted view at high speed. Okay, I’ll bite, but if this is an artistic choice, it’s an awful one. From the cartoon babies in the opening sequence to Michael Keaton turning into a video game character every time he has to fight, the entire movie looks completely laughable.
I was going to rant about the lameness of this version of Supergirl and how she has the personality of an uncooked potato, but I’m over 1,000 words and this film really doesn’t warrant any further consideration. I’m just glad that this is the last cameo-obsessed, multiverse-crazed superhero movie that I’ll see for a while. Let me just check my theater listings and see what’s on the docket for tonight….oh, I’m finally seeing Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. Well fuck me.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Flash_(film)#/media/File:The_Flash_(film)_poster.jpg
