The Doctor’s Diagnosis: C
It’s Christmas time and I feel like I’m sledding down Mount Crumpit to steal toys from all the girls and boys with the following statement: Spiderman: No Way Home isn’t very good. I know, I know. I must be a curmudgeon because this movie seems to be universally loved. I can see why it’s universally loved. It’s designed to evoke that response. I don’t mean that it was created by filmmakers to elicit a positive response through well-crafted characters and plot. I mean that it was designed by a team of executives, likely as they poured over spreadsheets of data, as a sequence of moments calculated to tug at your nostalgic heartstrings. It’s a manipulative film that lives on the shadows of the past, waiving memories in your face to prompt smiles. Not smiles at the present, but smiles at things that once were. There is an underlying emptiness to that, something that made me sad as those around me applauded at mementos of other days. But that’s all that this movie is: a time capsule of memories that mistakes reminders for accomplishments.
Picking up right where Spiderman: Far From Home ended, Mysterio has revealed Spiderman’s true identity to the world and tricked everyone into thinking that he is a villain. This causes issues for Peter Parker and his friends, as they are arrested and continually harassed (it was nice of Spiderman to allow himself to be arrested; pretty sure he could have just busted out of the station whenever he wanted). Peter reaches the breaking point when he, MJ and Ned are all rejected by MIT (which has an acceptance rate of 7%, by the way) and he does the only logical thing to do in this situation: He asks Dr. Strange to alter time and space so that nobody remembers that he is Spiderman. The ensuing conversation goes something like this:
Dr. Strange: Let me get this straight: You want me to alter the minds of everyone in the universe because your friends didn’t get into MIT?
Spiderman: Yeah.
Dr. Strange: Absolutely not.
Spiderman: Aw, c’mon!
Dr. Strange: Alright.
I realize that Peter is supposed to be a kid and he might actually think that this is a reasonable solution, but when did Dr. Strange become such a fucking moron? I don’t watch the TV shows, so was he kicked in the head by a mule on some Netflix special or something? Anyway, the plan shockingly goes awry, caused different universes to merge and allowing most of the villains from prior Spiderman movies to arrive in the current Marvel Universe, including Green Goblin, Dr. Octopus, Sandman, The Lizard and Electro. I’m honestly shocked that they didn’t bring back Rhino so that they could make a Sinister Six reference; this may be the first time that Disney/Marvel missed the opportunity to make a reference to something.
Alright, I guess I need to give a spoiler warning here, but come on. If all of the villains from the prior movies are back, who else do you think is coming back? It’s the worst-kept secret in Hollywood since Benedict Cumberbatch swore that he wasn’t playing Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, but I’ll still say it…..SPOILER ALERT.
Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield both return to play their iterations of the web slinger and the film becomes the three generations of Spiderman vs. all of the returning villains. Interestingly, Kirsten Dunst and Emma Stone don’t return for a bonding scene with Zendaya. That seems like an obvious thing to do and, unless I missed it, the movie offers no explanation for why they aren’t there. More strangely, neither Maguire nor Garfield raise the topic. This is particularly odd for Garfield because, if villains were being brought back from the dead, I would inquire about the whereabouts of my deceased, hot-ass girlfriend, but maybe that’s just the romantic in me. The only apparent reason for their absence is so that Garfield could have his big redemption moment and the girl sitting behind me could loudly sob in the theater. The film’s least believable aspect, though, is not one of these motherfuckers seems taken aback by the fact that Aunt May is now suddenly smoking hot.
A better title for this would be Spiderman: Look, a Thing You Remember! The plot is essentially an interconnecting series of nostalgic moneyshots. This story was already done in Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse, but now it’s with people that we know! Each character’s appearance was met with thunderous applause, as was the shot of all three Spidermen finally swinging into action together. Even old lines are trotted out like the rotting corpse of a meme, as we hear “With great power comes great responsibility” and “I’m something of a scientist myself.” The result is not so much a movie as it is a nostalgic highlight reel. I’m sorry, but showing me something familiar and expecting me to cheer is the most cynical form of entertainment. This also hurts the films that came before it, as it undoes prior character arcs through unnecessary extension. It’s the most damaging to Spiderman 2, which is one of the best superhero sequels ever made, as it eliminates Doc Ock’s entire arc and redemption. It’s one thing to make an inferior film, it’s a whole other level to also retroactively reduce the impact of better films.
The sad thing is that there are some genuinely great moments here involving the actual characters in this universe, at least in the fleeting moments when the nostalgia machine remembers that they exist. I hated Zendaya in the previous two movies, but she actually works here and the film creates an arc for her that makes her bullshit in the previous movies a lot more tolerable. The moments between MJ and Peter are genuinely sweet and emotional on a level that’s been completely missing in the last couple of films. The final scene with them is sincerely touching (and somewhat reminded me of the ending of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, if anybody else remembers that). There is also a death scene that feels like a gut punch, as the characters’ reactions feel authentic and the film hits a dramatic peak. Don’t worry, it doesn’t last long and we quickly get back to nostalgia.
Wow….I was about to wrap this up and then realized that I haven’t talked about Ned. Fuck Ned. I hated this goddamn character in the previous movies and his presence has never pissed me off more than here because he tries his damndest to ruin the few good moments that this movie has. The dude just never leaves. Even in intimate moments between Peter and MJ, he just hangs around like he’s hoping for a threesome. I can’t even have one nice, quiet character moment in one of these fucking movies without some jackoff comic relief character doofing his way through the scene because god fucking forbid we go five minutes without a shitty joke.
Speaking of Ned, this is becoming a tradition, so I’ll just cut-and-paste my standard text bitching about Marvel comic relief characters: “There is absolutely no reason for this character to be in 90% of this movie. In fact, it is sometimes distractingly stupid that he is being included in what’s happening. She He serves no purpose but to stand around looking confused and making lame jokes and I can’t fucking stand this shtick anymore. I’m aware that these characters are intended as avatars for the audience, providing a grounded character through whom we can view the increasingly bizarre world of the story. However, Marvel’s insistence that such characters also be obnoxious, inappropriately comedic jackwagons is really starting to grind my gears.”
Part of me feels like a grinch because it was nice to be in a sold-out theater again and see a movie cause people to cheer and clap and cry. But that experience is oddly reflective of the movie itself; it wasn’t the current experience that I was enjoying, but rather the memory of similar experiences with better movies. I remember seeing Spiderman 2 in a theater and clapping along with everyone else, but that film earned the reactions. This isn’t something great, it’s just a reminder of other things that are great. And that’s kind of sad.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider-Man%3A_No_Way_Home#/media/File:Spider-Man_No_Way_Home_poster.jpg
