The Doctor’s Diagnosis: C
This is my first time reviewing a James Bond movie because it has been a whole six years since 2015’s underwhelming Spectre. That ties the longest gap between Bond entries, matching the break between 1989’s License to Kill and 1995’s GoldenEye (that delay was caused by a court battle over the rights to the franchise, which dragged on so long that Timothy Dalton’s contract expired and Pierce Brosnan stepped in when Dalton chose not to sign a new deal). Of course, the circumstances were quite different this time around and No Time to Die was scheduled for release in April 2020 before becoming the first major film to be postponed by the pandemic.
We fittingly pickup years after the conclusion of Spectre. Bond has retired and is now living peacefully with Madeleine, the woman that he unconvincingly fell in love with in the last movie. Of course, Spectre and a new villain named Safin (played by Rami Malek) come along and force Bond out of retirement to save the world. Safin is a madman that plans to kill millions with a biological weapon, because we’ve never seen that in a Bond movie before. Honestly, the basic plot is so paint-by-numbers that it’s not worth discussing any further.
I generally prefer more fun Bond movies than the brooding tone of the Daniel Craig era (with the exception of License to Kill, when Timothy Dalton played a dark, violent Bond way before it was cool). The modern insistence on realism combined with the onslaught of wokeness hasn’t been kind to the franchise, as the arrival of a new Bond film causes social justice warriors to rise from the depths and shout “problematic!” with the clockwork regularity of Mariah Carey rising from her tomb the day after Thanksgiving to sing Christmas songs. The result is a Bond that’s no longer the fun, dashing adventurer that I remember, but a self-serious family man that seems embarrassed by the fact that he used to be a fun dude to hang out with. No Time to Die’s Bond will order a martini, but with almost a disdainful wink at the camera, as if asking the audience “hey, remember when we thought this was cool and fun?” Yes, I do remember because I’m apparently the kind of dinosaur that enjoys a Bond that isn’t somber and self-aware.
At nearly 2 hours and 50 minutes, this is also the longest Bond film. The length isn’t justified. The pre-title sequence alone is 25 frigging minutes long before we get to the mediocrity of the theme song by Billie Eilish (who I had assumed was a guy until I saw the trailer for her movie, which shows how many fucks I give about modern pop music). The incredibly stock plot (more on that in a moment) can’t sustain the length of the film and long, meandering gaps exist between action scenes. The villain has a backstory with Madeleine that could have been removed from the film and the only consequence would be trimming the running time by about thirty minutes. Overall, the film is more concerned with tying up loose ends and characters from previous entries than it is in going anywhere new. We also get several new agent characters who largely exist to repeatedly tell us that Bond is outdated, almost chastising the audience for paying the price of a movie ticket to see it.
The main plot is almost fascinating in its blandness, to the extent that it sometimes seems to be a parody of Bond films. Rami Malek tries his damndest to inject some life into the villainous Safin, but is given little to do other than give stereotypical villain speeches in a quiet, confident voice that is reminiscent of about two dozen other Bond villains. The guy has a private island and massive army of henchmen and has stolen a biological weapon, which sounds like the writers just went down a checklist of Bond villain cliches and received a bonus for every one that they managed to cram into the movie. I honestly don’t even really understand what he’s doing or why; he’s just going to launch a biological attack because that’s what Bond villains do. In a less cynical film, I could just chalk this up to lazy writing and continue eating my popcorn without giving it much thought. But in a film that’s this self-aware and sometimes self-loathing, it comes across as ill-advised satire.
The positives are the action scenes and performances, both of which are strong enough to raise my grade significantly. Although there aren’t any particularly mind-blowing action setpieces and most are featured in the trailers, they are fun and frantic enough to remind me (momentarily) of why I generally enjoy this series. As much as I don’t love Craig’s Bond, that is more of a product of the writing than his performance. I actually think he’s quite good in the role and, even though I completely disagree with many of the creative choices here, he does give an endearing performance. I also want to mention Ana de Armas, who is a blast in a role that is far too brief. She’s the only fun character in the movie (including, by design, Bond) and I wish she had stuck around for the entire running time.
I live in a world that’s constantly trying to eliminate everything that I enjoy. Whether it’s cigarettes or gas-powered cars or hamburgers that actually contain meat, if I like it, then you can bet your ass that society is trying to get rid of it. I guess you can add James Bond to that list, or at least what I think of as James Bond. If you love the Craig-era Bond movies, you will probably enjoy this more than I did. If you think that Bond needs to evolve beyond his problematic past, then you may enjoy this (you can also go fuck yourself, but you may enjoy this). As for me, I’m just a dinosaur that actually enjoys the old Bond movies. I think I’ll have a cigarette and a martini now, assuming that I’m still allowed to do either.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Time_to_Die#/media/File:No_Time_to_Die_poster.jpg
