The good news is that Dark Fate is the best Terminator movie since Terminator 2. The bad news is that that’s like saying your sixth root canal went better than the previous three. The Terminator story logically concluded with T2 and the series has been lumbering along in a death march ever since, trying […]
John motherfucking Rambo. I love these movies. Well, I love most of these movies. The original First Blood is a classic action film that is far more poignant and somber than people remember. That’s because the first sequel, Rambo: First Blood Part 2, is easily the most iconic and successful of the series. That […]
Much like the last Star Wars movie, The Rise of Skywalker has seemingly divided the internet in half. Some are screaming about how awful it is, the rest are screaming about how great it is. It will apparently either ruin your childhood or force you to cum in your pants. I assume that this […]
For the second consecutive week, I’m reviewing something that most people probably don’t know is a remake of a foreign film. Cold Pursuit is a remake of the 2014 Norwegian film titled In Order of Disappearance and, unlike Miss Bala, it sticks so close to the original film that it really doesn’t even need […]
Keanu Reeves is back to fuck shit up in the latest John Wick film and I’m damn happy to see him. I love these movies. John Wick films remind me of the fun and unabashedly violent actions films that I grew up with, the kind of thing that would have starred Stallone or Schwarzenegger […]
Not counting public domain characters (like Dracula, Tarzan, Robin Hood, etc.), Godzilla is the world’s longest-running film series. This is the 35th Godzilla movie (!) and you bet your sweet ass that I’ve seen all of them. The good news is that this is easily the best American-made Godzilla movie. The bad news is […]
This was my 250th consecutive week of going to the movies and I’m going to say something for perhaps the first time: This movie isn’t nearly as bad as people are making it out to be. No, it isn’t great and “it’s not that bad” isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement, but people need to […]
Miss Bala is a remake of the 2011 Mexican film with the same title (“bala” is Spanish for “bullet”….not sure why they didn’t translate the title after going through the trouble of remaking the entire goddamn movie for Americans). The original film is a brutal, bleak, depressing R-rated drama. The trailers for this new […]
Good news, movie fans! I’ve discovered the least interesting film ever made and it’s the new Tomb Raider. Note that I didn’t say that its bad. No, I at least remember bad movies and this does nothing to warrant an emotional response close to labelling it bad. It also certainly isn’t good, that’s for […]
I come with a gift for the world: the first negative review of Black Panther. Now, I know what you’re thinking. But, you say, you’re a cynical bastard that doesn’t like anything made after 1998. Yes, that’s somewhat true. But my brother and a friend of ours accompanied me to see this movie. My […]