This movie didn’t hold my attention in a captive state. Yeah, that’s the best that I’ve got.
I watched several people walk out on this movie, making this already the second time this year that I’ve seen that happen (the other being Greta). A friend of mine came with me to see it and he fell asleep. I let him sleep for about 10 minutes before smacking him, mainly because it just gave me something to do. There was a drunk couple sitting a few seats to my right and I’m pretty sure the girl was getting fingered through a portion of the film. I almost yelled at them to shut up before realizing that they were by far the most entertaining thing in the theater. They eventually got bored and left, though they initially walked to the back of the theater before hitting a wall and realizing that the exit isn’t there. They figured it out and stumbled in the right direction. These are the only things that I’ll remember about this movie beyond the weekend.
Alright, fine, the movie. If you ever watched District 9 and wished that it was agonizingly boring, then the sun is shining upon you, my strange friend. Captive State is a sci-fi movie set a couple of decades in the future after aliens have invaded Earth. The aliens have taken control of the planet and allow humans to live, but only under strict surveillance and in dedication to serve their alien overlords. Many humans would rather just maintain the peace and work with the aliens to shut down any potential opposition. Naturally, there is also an underground network of people scheming to fight back. Captive State is the story of nothing happening within that premise.
The makers of Captive State have painstakingly removed any sense of fun or suspense from that concept. Not since Phoenix Forgotten have I sat there and so desperately wished for something, fucking anything, to happen. You know what I like to see in an alien invasion film? Aliens. I don’t think I’m asking for that much in life. I really don’t. The aliens here are on screen for probably less than 5 minutes of the 110-minute running time and they are some of the laziest, bullshit computer effects that I’ve seen in a while. They are basically oddly shaped blobs of ink that have knives or something come out of them. Their exact biology is a mystery since they are so seldomly seen and are only shown in the dark. Instead of aliens, we are left watching a cop investigating the resistance group and making progress about as quickly as an actual cop would in fucking real-time. Imagine watching Aliens, but instead of watching the badass marine vs. alien action, you are watching corporate lawyers concurrently investigate Ripley’s claims about the events in the first movie. Then imagine that scenario was even more boring and you are getting close.
This movie even looks boring. The entire goddamn thing is grey. Everything. Every scene in this movie is washed in the most boring color possible. Films go through a process called color correction after they are filmed and this is when the filmmakers choose the color palette that they want up on the screen (so some movies are dark, some are bright, some have a lot of reds or blues, etc.). This is like the director turned to the color guy and said “hey, jackwagon, there is no way you could make this any less fun to watch.” The color guy’s mouth slowly twisted into an evil grin and he whispered “hold my beer.”
I love John Goodman, but the man is acting like he just mainlined a horse tranquilizer. I have never seen him give a performance this devoid of personality and character. Vera Farmiga is also in this as a prostitute. I like her quite a bit, but she’s also acting through a haze of not giving a shit. I’m not sure if they actually didn’t care or if the director explicitly told them not to give the audience a moment of joy, but the result is the same. I didn’t recognize anyone else in the film. Don’t care enough to look them up.
I will say this: The last 5 minutes or so do wrap things up with a clever twist. It’s an alien-less twist, but good nonetheless. Too bad this came after 100 minutes of nothingness and most of the audience that was there for the beginning of the film was no longer there to see it. This could have worked as an episode of Black Mirror or something, but as a nearly two-hour theatrical film? Fuck off, movie.
I may be the only person in my theater that actually watched this entire thing, yet I think that makes me the most entitled to a refund. While everybody else was busy sleeping, having drunken sexy time or just walking out, I sat there and watched every goddamn minute of this thing. That, dear reader, is a depressing theater experience.
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