A Cure for Wellness is Gore Verbinski’s first horror film since The Ring in 2002, and he was apparently so excited by the opportunity that he filmed nearly two horror movies’ worth of material. This movie is long. It is way, way too damn long. This would have been great as a 30-minute episode of Tales from the Crypt. It may have even been a decent 90-minute movie. But at 146 minutes, it is just a chore to sit through.
The plot involves a young executive sent to a spa/clinic/whatever in Sweden to retrieve his company’s CEO, who disappeared after going to the facility. The wellness center isn’t exactly on the up-and-up and operates through incest, rape, sadistic dentistry and eels. Lots and lots of eels. I try to keep these reviews fairly spoiler-free and this whole movie hinges on a plot twist. However, if you are surprised by the plot twist in this film, then I must assume that you were also surprised when the boat sank in Titanic. The “twist” is made so obvious in the first act that I didn’t even realize that it was supposed to be a surprise until the characters reacted to it as such. It would be like if The Exorcist treated the fact that Regan was possessed by the devil as a surprise revelation in the last ten minutes. So we, as the audience, must wait for what feels like an eternity for the characters to catch onto something that we knew hours ago. Painfully long and ridiculously obvious is not a good combination of traits.
The film is great on a technical level, though. Verbinski may be in dire need of an editor, but the man knows how to shoot a movie. The whole thing looks great, with wonderfully composed and lit shots. This is a nice change of pace from amateurish-looking and grey-toned crap like Rings and The Bye Bye Man. The performances are also solid, if not particularly memorable. The only actor that I recognized is Jason Isaacs, probably best known as Lucius Malfoy in the Harry Potter movies, but the whole cast is quite good. This all just makes the final product more frustrating, as it seems like there could have been a much better movie here.
Despite those positives, A Cure for Wellness commits the cardinal sin of cinema: it is just too damn boring. I bitch a lot about how almost all modern horror movies are PG-13 haunting/possession horseshit aimed at pre-teens, so I feel like a grinch for also slamming an R-rated horror movie intended for adults. I really wanted to like this thing, but it wouldn’t let me. It aspires to be akin to classic horror epics like The Shining or The Omen, but lacks the plot, characters and scares needed to sustain interest for the duration. While admirable in both intent and technical prowess, A Cure for Wellness is more likely to cure insomnia.
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Cure_for_Wellness#/media/File:CureforWellnessOfficialPoster.jpeg
