I heard that some sort of comic book movie came out this weekend, but first I’m here to tell you about this flaming bag of dogshit. Quick update, I saw Hellboy last week but I’ve had a very busy couple of weeks and didn’t have a chance to review it. Normally when that happens, I would just write a review when I finally have time, but I literally couldn’t remember the plot of Hellboy as I was walking out of the theater. The film is so forgettable that I can’t remember enough about it to write a review. I guess that’s enough of a review in itself.
So, The Curse of La Llorona fucking sucks. This is inspired by an urban legend that is apparently well-known in Hispanic culture, but I’ve never heard of it before. Basically, several hundred years ago there was a woman in (I think) Mexico that finds out that her husband is sleeping with a younger woman. In retaliation, she drowns their two children. She becomes a ghost and looks for children to take to replace her own. Flash to the 1970s (why the 70s? I’ll get to that) and a social worker named Anna goes to the house of a woman that has locked her children in a closet to protect them from La Llorona. Sad ghosts being something that’s not covered by DYFS, Anna doesn’t believe her. La Llorona drowns the children (off-screen) and then goes after Anna’s children.
I’m not sure if this qualifies as a spoiler, but I’m throwing a warning out there in case you’re really worried about having this frigging movie spoiled for you. The Curse of La Llorona is a part of The Conjuring universe, but it wasn’t advertised as such. The priest from Annabelle is in this and not only does he reference the events of that film, there is even a quick flashback to it. The only reason why this takes place in the 70s is to fit it into that timeline. Considering that every movie in The Conjuring universe has printed money, that seemingly means that the producers were afraid that this movie would hurt the brand. That is a warning. For those keeping score, the timeline of this series now goes The Nun-Annabelle: Creation- Annabelle- The Curse of La Llorona- The Conjuring- The Conjuring 2.
This movie encapsulates everything that I hate about modern horror films. Not a goddamn thing happens in this movie but jumpscares. If you want to experience this film without paying for a ticket, I’ve got you. I’ll come over your house, put on a wedding dress, stand in a corner and periodically scream at you. That is the entire experience of watching this fucking thing. It’s a ghost appearing in dark places and screaming. Nothing else. She never actually does anything. She just screams. That makes her an annoying neighbor, not a goddamn horror movie villain.
I’ve gone on rants about the ratings system before, but why the fuck is this movie rated R? Why would it even be rated PG-13? Nobody dies on screen. There is no blood, no gore, no sex, no nudity, no profanity. This is a PG movie. There are Goosebumps books that are more intense than this fucking thing. If you want to see how the ratings system has changed, as an example off the top of my head, watch Tourist Trap from 1979. That is a fucked up horror movie that is rated PG. In fact, the producers blame the rating for why you’ve probably never heard of Tourist Trap. A few years earlier, Jaws (my all-time favorite movie) was rated PG. Before that, Planet of the Apes was rated G and it has fucking nudity in it. What the fuck is wrong with 2019 that horror movies can have absolutely nothing happen in them and they are rated R? Are modern children so fucking precious that they can’t handle jumpscares? Fuck those kids. I hope the goddamn ghost gets them. Actually, I hope that Freddy gets them because he will actually do something.
The one positive is Raymond Cruz as a badass former priest that shows up to help get rid of the ghost. You probably don’t know Cruz by name (even I had to look up his name), but he is a character actor that you would probably recognize. Off the top of my head, I know him from Training Day and From Dusk till Dawn 2. He is really funny and convincing as this no-nonsense, religious badass and should have been the focal point of the film. In fact, I would welcome another Conjuring movie that is just about him. Just get rid of this lameass ghost and irritating family.
If you like boring horror films with nothing but jumpscares, then you’re in luck. Go see this. You also don’t have to wait long for the next Conjuring movie, because Annabelle Comes Home is only a couple of months away. Fucking yippee. In the meantime, watch Tourist Trap. Very underrated flick.
Yes, I’m seeing Endgame next week.
Image By: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/36/The_curse_of_la_llorona_poster.jpg
