We finally made it here, America. We’ve all gone through some dark days, but I always knew this light remained shining, as dim as it may have seemed at times, at the end of the tunnel. Yes, you know what I’m talking about: The New Mutants has finally been released in theaters.
I have been seeing trailers for this thing for three fucking years. Filmed in 2017, The New Mutants was originally scheduled for release in April 2018. Then it was scheduled for February 2019. Then August 2019. Then April 2020. And, finally, August 2020. During that time, numerous reshoots took place as the studio couldn’t decide if it should be a horror film or a superhero film or a teen drama. Even the studio didn’t stay the same, as it was made by 20th Century Fox, who was acquired by Disney in the interim. I thought the film would never be released, but it turns out that a worldwide pandemic was the perfect opportunity for Disney to quietly dump a film that it didn’t make and didn’t give a shit about. With all of that drama, you might think that this movie would be a goddamn mess. You would be right. But, and maybe because its just because I was so happy to be back in a theater, it’s a somewhat entertaining mess.
A teenaged Native American girl wakes up in a hospital and is told that her entire tribe (is that the right word?) is dead and she is in an institute for teenaged mutants that just discovered their powers. The other inhabitants of the hospital are a girl that can turn into a wolf, a girl with the oddly specific combination of teleporting through a hell dimension and also turning her arm into a laser sword, a guy that can burst into flames like the Human Torch and a guy that can burst into flames like the Human Torch, but in a slightly different way than the other guy. I guess coming up with four different powers was too hard. As for our main girl, she gradually learns that she can make people’s nightmares come to life. The rest of the movie it them bonding and learning to face their fears. Or something.
Rarely do you see a movie that literally couldn’t decide what genre it should be in, and this seems about right as the outcome. One of my favorite reviewers (Brad Jones, thecinemasnob.com) described this movie as A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors crossed with The Breakfast Club. I don’t like stealing lines from other people, but I’ll be damned if I can think of a better description. The problem is that the film can’t fully commit to either mode. Main girl doesn’t go far enough with her powers to approach Freddy territory (its PG-13, after all) and, despite a “bonding through hijinks and dancing” montage lifted straight from The Breakfast Club, the characters aren’t nearly developed enough to be mistaken for John Hughes creations. You will also be disappointed if you are expected any superhero action; despite references to the X-Men and Mr. Sinister, this is nothing like an X-Men movie. This is a movie that just can’t commit to a tone, which makes it frustratingly mediocre at several things rather than particularly good at anything.
I also have some questions about this hospital. Who committed these people? Is there any paperwork? Why aren’t any of the patients asking these questions? Why is the one doctor the only employee in the entire fucking place? There are no other doctors or nurses or security or even a janitor? How the fuck do you run a hospital that way? Why aren’t the patients just revolting against the mutant doctor? It’s five versus one. You motherfuckers could really leave anytime you want. You’re five superpowered mutants in a facility with less security than a middle school. Just go.
The real reason to see this movie, though, is the ending. Yes, I’m doing SPOILERS here, because the last 20 minutes of this film are gloriously stupid. You see, main girl is fond of saying the old story of how you have two bears inside of you, one good and one bad, and blah blah the one that wins is the one that you feed. I always heard that with wolves, but, fine, bears. So, when her phobia finally manifests itself, I thought it was going to be something lamely symbolic about her own inner fears. Nope, it’s LITERALLY A GIANT FUCKING BEAR. The last 20 minutes is a battle with an enormous, demonic bear and I laughed so hard that I damn near cried. It’s like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man at the end of Ghostbusters, except that it’s played completely straight. There is not even the slightest acknowledgement of how ridiculous it is and, for that, I am grateful.
Despite good performances, The New Mutants is objectively not a very good film. The tone is all over the place and it ultimately feels a bit pointless. But, for those exact same reasons, I could see this becoming a cult film. Moreover, inexplicable rampaging demon bears are awesome, Anya Taylor-Joy is gorgeous and I’m just happy to see a movie in a theater again. As misguided as this Franken-film is, it has its minor charms and the benefit of damn good timing.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_New_Mutants_(film)#/media/File:TheNewMutantsPoster.jpeg
