As you may have noticed, I watch a lot of bad movies. Most of those, though, are either forgettable and boring or they are cynical cashgrabs. Serenity is none of those things. Serenity is something special. This trainwreck is so misguided and miscalculated that I don’t know what to make of it. It’s either a completely earnest disaster or a clever parody of M. Night Shyamalan films. However, I think I may be giving the filmmakers too much credit with that last possibility. Prior to watching this, I browsed the blurbs on Rotten Tomatoes and was shocked by what I saw. Many cited this as an early favorite for worst film of 2019 and it’s rare that I see so many reviewers through around the term “batshit bonkers.” Based on the trailers, I didn’t see how this could possibly be that bad. Now I know. Holy sweet baby Jesus, now I know.
This movie has some of the most misleading marketing that I have ever seen. Be warned: There is simply no way for me to describe the insanity of this film without spoilers, but I don’t think a written summary will really do it justice anyway. The trailers for this movie make it seem like a noir-ish thriller in which Anne Hathaway is married to an abusive drunk played by Jason Clarke. She goes to her ex-boyfriend (Matthew McConaughey), a fisherman that used to be in the army, and offers him $10 million to take her husband out on a boat and feed him to sharks. This is the movie that I thought that I bought a ticket to see. I was totally on board with a noir thriller with that cast. That is not the movie that I fucking got.
The twist in this movie is so insane and so stupid that I want to watch people watch Serenity just so I can view the moment that this bullshit fully hits them. Then I’ll give it a moment to truly sink in and take photos of the responses to catalog for future generations. You see, this is all a simulated fantasy being run on a computer by the real-world son of McConaughey and Hathaway. McConaughey actually died in combat, after which Hathaway married an abusive asshole and this is all the son’s simulated fantasy of his parents getting back together and killing his step dad. This isn’t a noir thriller, it’s a science fiction film. It’s a really, really fucking dumb science fiction film.
Now, maybe you’re thinking that that concept could be clever if it’s handled well. You would be wrong, but I’ll entertain the notion of your asinine hypothetical opinion. The problem is that this isn’t handled well. Everything about this is handled in the most ridiculous way possible, which is why I’m willing to consider the idea that this is meant as satire. Ignoring the general insanity of the plot twist and the inherent implication that the son has perfected artificial intelligence programming and created a computer environment far beyond what’s technically possible in 2019, even the thriller elements are handled with the skill and grace of a 4th-grade short story. McConaughey is constantly fishing for a mythical giant tuna called “Justice” (symbolism!) on a boat named Serenity (symbolism!) and spends his nights prostituting himself to the terribly under-utilized Diane Lane, who then asks him to find her lost cat (symbolism!). Djimon Hounsou hangs around just to act as the magical black man that gives sage advice that sounds like the writers for Hallmark cards did enough cocaine to kill a small elephant. The dialogue is a cringe-inducing attempt to sound deep and the whole film desperately, desperately wants you to think that it’s smart. Watching Serenity is like listening to the dumbest person that you know try to summarize something that they once heard in philosophy class. It’s amusing at first, but then you start to feel bad and just want them to stop. For fuck’s sake, please stop.
It’s almost impressive to do something this absurd with a cast this good. I go into any movie starring Anne Hathaway giving it a 4-star review. If she puts on a Catwoman outfit, it goes up to 18 stars (still on a 4-star scale). This movie could not overcome that rating system. I don’t care how talented or ridiculously beautiful she is, she could not salvage this with all the Catwoman suits in Halloween City. McConaughey is a great actor but here displays the type of nuance and subtlety that he has lacked since his breakthrough performance in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4. Clarke plays an abusive dad like he just heard of the concept on an after-school special about the dangers of alcohol. I don’t know what the fuck any of these people are doing. It would be like if the USA Network debuted some godawful made-for-tv movie at 2am and it somehow starred Brad Pitt and Scarlet Johansson. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing about this makes any goddamn sense.
You might be thinking that I don’t recommend this movie and nothing could be further from the truth. You should see Serenity. My descriptions do not accurately convey just how off-the-fucking-rails stupid and incompetent this goddamn thing is. This isn’t some cynical product, this is the result of some talented people taking a shot at something and failing so fucking miserably that it is worth watching. Go see Serenity and bask in the glory of a good, old-fashioned, high-concept Hollywood trainwreck.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_(2019_film)#/media/File:Serenity_(2019_poster).png
