The Doctor’s Diagnosis: D
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is the swan song for the DC Cinematic Universe (or whatever it’s called) that started back in 2013 with Man of Steel. With the DC films being fully rebooted with a new Superman movie in 2025, let’s all pause for a moment of silence in honor of this decade-long cinematic dumpster fire. But this movie presents one final chance for this series to go out on a high note. Maybe Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom will end the whole thing with dignity and make me wonder what we are missing by the premature end of this cinematic universe. I mean, it doesn’t do any of that, but it had the opportunity.
I vaguely remember thinking that the original Aquaman wasn’t awful, which places it into the upper echelon of DC Universe movies. In terms of plot, I only remember that the villain was Ocean Master, who is Aquaman’s brother, and he wanted to do the usual “I don’t trust the outsiders so we need to destroy them” schtick. I also remember that Black Manta, who is traditionally Aquaman’s biggest villain, appeared briefly in a subplot when he should have been the focus of the film.
As usual, Warner Bros. executives were closely reading my reviews and took my criticism to heart. Black Manta is now the main villain and I again learned that I need to keep my mouth shut. Black Manta is still seeking vengeance for his father’s death in the first movie and vows to destroy Aquaman’s family and everything that he loves. If you’re a comic book fan, you might be wondering if this movie is actually going to have the balls to recreate the time that Black Manta murdered Aquaman’s son in the comics. No, of course not. That would be silly.
Instead of that, we discover that Black Manta is only ostensibly the villain of the film. The true evil is something far more sinister, something far more terrifying. The real villain is….fossil fuels!!!! Yes, this is basically a Captain Planet movie. Black Manta is being influenced by the black trident, which is haunted (or something) by the ghosts (or something) of Atlantis’ lost kingdom, which disappeared a long time ago. It’s revealed that the lost kingdom’s downfall came about because they turned to evil by burning fossil fuels for energy! Now, they are using the trident to convince Black Manta to follow in their footsteps and start burning fossil fuels! I’m not joking, that’s the plot of this fucking movie. If you wanted a comic-inspired story about Black Manta wreaking terrible vengeance upon Aquaman’s family, then fuck off because this movie is doing something bigger. Something more important. This movie has a message. This movie will help inspire change. Fuck this movie.
When not trying to save the world through beautifully subtle messaging, this is a buddy/road trip movie with Aquaman and Ocean Master going on various sub quests to kill time before fighting Black Manta. When the movie focuses on this, it’s, um, tolerable. I still don’t really understand why Aquaman needs Ocean Master’s help, but Jason Momoa and Patrick Wilson do have decent chemistry and some of the gags land well (like Ocean Master not knowing how to run on land). Some of the other gags are complete duds (the running gag about cockroaches left me with so many questions), but this is all acceptably entertaining, I guess. Look, my standards for super hero movies are getting pretty damn low.
The performances are mostly fine, though it seems like Mamoa, Wilson and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II (who plays Black Manta) are sleep-walking through this. Perhaps they were hoping for something more substantial or they knew that this was basically a lame duck of a franchise, but they don’t seem particularly interested. Ditto to Nicole Kidman, who only periodically shows up to do something ridiculous like ride a CGI shark. For anyone wondering, yes, Amber Heard is in this. Barely. She mainly stands in the background and rarely says anything, to the point that I occasionally forgot that Aquaman is married until I found myself thinking “who’s the hot blonde in the background?” Then I remembered that she was supposed to be a main character and, man, what a mess this whole thing has become.
Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom was originally filmed two years ago with a planned release in December 2022, so it was made back when this cinematic universe wasn’t yet dead in the water (ha!). It was originally filmed with Michael Keaton appearing as Batman, then reshot with Ben Affleck as Batman when Warner Bros. changed their minds, then reshot again without Batman at all when the studio again changed their minds. With such clear creative direction, it’s hard to believe that this movie is such a mess. As we await the relaunch of the brand with Superman: Legacy in July, 2025, this movie is little more than an epitaph for ten years of mostly miserable misfires (the only ones I actually like are Wonder Woman, Shazam! and The Suicide Squad). What started way too seriously in 2013 ends in 2023 with a joke about a cockroach sandwich. I guess that’s oddly fitting.
Image by: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aquaman_and_the_Lost_Kingdom#/media/File:Aquaman_and_the_Lost_Kingdom_poster.jpg
