January is typically a dumping ground for movies that studios have little faith in and there is always a shitty horror movie in that mix. “January horror movie” is actually a term and it means the same as “shitty horror movie.” Well, it’s only the first week of February and Gretel & Hansel is the 4th such horror film that I’ve seen this year, putting 2020 on quite a shit-tacular pace. To be fair, this is a well-made movie and is certainly a better film on a technical level than The Turning or The Grudge or Underwater. However, it’s also the cinematic equivalent of shotgunning a bottle of NyQuil and then watching soccer while an accountant talks to you about asset insurance.
Broadly speaking, this is an adaptation of the fairy tale but takes very large liberties with it. The children are still left abandoned in the woods, but the circumstances are different. There is no trail of stones or breadcrumbs and there is no gingerbread house. Instead we get boring kids living with a boring witch while we wait for them to get to the goddamn oven already so that something will happen. Essentially, most of the iconic elements of the story are jettisoned in favor of subdued gloominess while remaining just faithful enough to the original story that there is no element of surprise. It’s actually less exciting than that sounds.
Gloomy and scary aren’t the same thing, goddamn it. Why do witch movies now have to be so fucking pretentious and boring? When did that become a rule? From The Witch to the godawful remake of Suspiria to this, it seems that witch movies have been permanently hijacked by latte-sipping, beanie-wearing asshats. I’m really only calling this a horror movie because I don’t know what else to call it. This doesn’t even have jump scares, which would have at least helped me stay awake. The only person that dies is the witch (sorry, spoiler alert for a fairy tale from 1812). The only thing that puts this into horror territory is the presence of the witch and the fact that the German woods in the 1800s apparently looked like a late-90s Marilyn Manson video. It was a terrifying time to live, what with the famine and witches and randomly-placed mannequin torsos.
That imagery, as random as it can seem, is also the film’s saving grace. This is a beautiful-looking movie that creates an unnerving atmosphere, as uneventful as that atmosphere may be. It’s worth noting that my theater reeked of weed for the duration of the film and I seemed to be the only (relatively) sober one in the theater. With all of the weird imagery and moody lighting, I can’t imagine those high motherfuckers were having a good time. That being said, director Osgood Perkins has a very good eye. The performances are also strong. Both of the kids are solid, though Sophia Lillis (young Beverly from It) seemed to miss the memo about accents. Alice Krige, who I’m not familiar with, is foreboding and effective as the witch, though the script doesn’t give her much to do. Most of the people involved with this seem to be genuinely talented and were let down by a boring script.
There just isn’t much for me to talk about here. I’m not getting into the feminist themes that are crammed into the film because I just don’t give a shit. If you enjoyed The Witch, you might also enjoy this. For me, the emphasis on style over scares just isn’t my cup of sleep-inducing tea.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gretel_%26_Hansel#/media/File:Gretel_&Hansel-_A_Grim_Fairy_Tale_theatrical_poster.jpeg
