This is the kind of movie that makes me wonder how studio executives got their jobs. Geostorm was originally filmed in 2014 but had disastrous test screenings in 2015. So, two years after filming had wrapped, the studio brought in a new director and producer to oversee extensive reshoots, resulting in some characters being recast and some characters being cut from the film entirely. That is a special kind of incompetence. Despite the destruction on screen, the biggest disaster on display here is the utter collapse of the filmmaking process.
I am going to spoil the plot of this film. But if you don’t already know how this movie works, then Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you’re an idiot. In the near future, the world’s scientists (led by Gerard Butler, the poor man’s Bruce Willis) create a satellite system that enables the world to control the weather and avoid major storms. In a stroke of brilliant originality, Butler’s character is a no-nonsense maverick that mouths off to his superiors, causing him to be fired and replaced by his brother. His brother isn’t a scientist or anything, but the disaster movie handbook requires family drama, so fuck qualifications. A few years later, the system goes haywire, causes multiple deadly storms and is building toward a worldwide storm (yes, a Geostorm). The characters must fix the satellite and figure out who hijacked it. They initially suspect the president (played by an incredibly bored-looking Andy Garcia), but that’s obvious bullshit because one of the other politicians is played by Ed Harris. Here is a cinematic rule of thumb: If Ed Harris is in a movie and the villain is a mystery, then Ed Harris is the fucking villain. Want to know how, in the big dramatic climax, the super genius succeeds at fixing the satellite when all of the other scientists in the world have failed? He turns it off and turns it back on. Really. It isn’t played as a joke. Don’t laugh. This is how I actually spent my night.
As a quick aside, the villain’s plan makes no fucking sense. Much like in the last Resident Evil film, the villain’s plan requires the world to be destroyed so that they can take over. What’s the fucking point, then? You are going to rule over a vast wasteland? How do you plan to rebuild the infrastructure? Why doesn’t anybody think of these things?
Anyway, there is actually little disaster in this disaster movie. Pretty much all of the city-destroying action is what was in the trailers. The majority of the film is spent watching people try to hack computers in a way that manages to be both hilarious and excruciatingly boring at the same time. Butler’s brother, realizing that he needs to get into the satellite’s operating system, does the most logical thing: He goes and finds a random 20-something year old working in a cubicle and asks her to hack NASA’s encryption, which she manages to do in about 5 seconds using what looks like DOS. Somebody promote this girl. He is also dating the worst secret-service agent ever, as she will break multiple federal laws and grant access to any government files if you simply ask her nicely. The majority of the film is watching these dull nitwits try to deduce the obvious fact that Ed Harris is the goddamn villain because he’s Ed goddamn Harris. Occasionally, the film will throw in a five-minute segment of some city getting destroyed when it senses that the audience is at heightened risk of slipping into a coma. So that’s nice.
The only entertainment value here is trying to count all of the clichés. I suggest making a game of it by creating a disaster-movie bingo card. Do you have “kid gets separated from his dog in a storm?” How about “people from multiple nations stare solemnly at incoming tidal waves?” Or maybe “somebody gives a speech about how all people need to work together as one.” Motherfucking bingo, bitches. Director/writer Dean Devlin also co-wrote both Independence Day movies and, if you’ve seen those, you can recite entire scenes from this movie before they happen. It’s also fun to track the things that were obviously altered in reshoots. Butler’s daughter is made out to be very important in the beginning of the film, but then mysteriously disappears until the end. When she does appear, she seems to be with her mother and Butler’s ex-wife. At least I think that’s who she is, as she looks like the kid and seems mildly concerned. I’m betting that that was a much larger part that was reduced to about ten seconds in the reshoots. Other characters kind of come and go, some reappear, others are forever lost to unseen footage from the first cut of the film. It’s a really well put-together film.
I really want to see the original version of this movie. If this version was approved, then I want to see the version that was considered unwatchable. Really, why not just release that? Why spend millions of dollars and an extra year to make something that is still a piece of shit? Could the original film be that bad? Is it so awful that it must be locked away in a Warner Bros. vault forever, never to threaten the sanity of the public? I need to see that movie. I need to know.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geostorm#/media/File:Geostorm_official_teaser_poster.jpg
