The Doctor’s Diagnosis: C
If you are familiar with 80s cartoons, you will likely recall that the sword-wielding assassin Snake Eyes was one of the coolest characters on the original G.I. Joe show. Playing G.I. Joe with your friends, Snake Eyes would likely be one of the first characters that somebody would call dibs on (until they learned the harsh life lesson that swords aren’t optimal weapons for a gun fight and got frustrated). You will probably also recall that one of the things that made the character so damn cool was his ambiguity; his prior history was listed as classified and he never spoke a word. Well, fuck you, because here is a detailed origin of Snake Eyes and he talks constantly.
In an opening that’s oddly reminiscent of the Mortal Kombat movie from earlier this year, we learn that Snake Eyes witnessed his father’s murder as a child (the loaded dice used by his assassin serve as the origin of his name, because we definitely needed an explanation for that). Flash forward and Snake Eyes is a cage fighter being recruited by Jax to oppose the villains of Outworld….wait, sorry. He is a cage fighter being recruited by a local drug dealer to infiltrate a local ninja clan, promising him the opportunity to avenge his father’s death if he provides the needed intel on a powerful jewel protected by the ninjas. About halfway through, some G.I. Joe characters show up. Kind of. I guess.
If this wasn’t connected to G.I. Joe, it would be a passable, though forgettable, martial arts flick. The basic setup is fine, though generic, and the main cast are capable in the action scenes and are charismatic enough to hold one’s attention. There are the usual martial arts clichés about integrity and believing in yourself. The hero has to prove his worth through a series of tests that range from getting a cup of water from an opponent to confronting three giant-ass anacondas, which is a steep fucking difficulty curve in terms of challenges. The fighting scenes are fine and ably performed, but hampered by the modern obsession with quick-cut editing that assumes that audiences are more interested in having seizures than having a coherent view of the martial arts on display.
The big issues are the main character and the integration of the G.I. Joe brand. Aside from the very idea of giving an origin story to a character whose entire mystique comes from not knowing anything about him, Snake Eyes also comes across as kind of a dick. It’s clear that the ninja clan that he’s infiltrating are the good guys, he still spends nearly the entire film spying on them to help some shitbag drug dealer in exchange for the chance to kill his father’s murderer. That’s not exactly the most endearing of hero material and I spent much of the film wondering who exactly I was supposed to be rooting for. The film also serves as an origin story for the villainous Storm Shadow, and he somehow comes across as the more relatable character. I don’t think that’s how this is supposed to work.
I had honestly forgotten that this was supposed to be a G.I. Joe movie by the time it suddenly becomes one about halfway through. The sudden mentions of G.I. Joe and Cobra were jarring, like watching a random racing movie and suddenly Optimus Prime appears out of nowhere at the one-hour mark. With a limited budget compared to the last couple of G.I. Joe movies, we get fewer such characters, don’t get the big names like Duke and Cobra Commander and the film lacks the star power of The Rock and Bruce Willis. However, what little we get is actually pretty damn good. Samara Weaving is one of my favorite actresses these days and she basically represents the entirety of the G.I. Joe team as Scarlett. She isn’t in the movie all that much, but exudes cool baddassery, as she tends to do, for every second she’s on screen. If you haven’t seen her films Mayhem and Ready or Not, then fuck this movie and watch those right now. Úrsula Corberó is a new name to me, but she is equally awesome as Baroness. Honestly, there really is no reason for these characters to be in this movie, but I would gladly take a Scarlet vs. Baroness movie with these two. It would probably be more interesting than this.
The film also sometimes seems more akin to a fantasy, sword & sorcery film than a modern-set action flick. As much as I admire martial arts and swordsmanship, I’m not sure if swords are the most logical weapons for modern drug cartels and terrorist organizations. As I mentioned in my opening digression about childhood lessons, the issue with using swords is that it makes you highly susceptible to being fucking shot, yet nobody ever takes advantage of this. I mean, this isn’t Middle-earth; the Joes do use guns and could easily solve every problem in this movie in about five minutes if they chose to do so. The film also uses a magical jewel as its McGuffin, which is odd because it’s the only supernatural element in the film and seems more like something out of a Scorpion King movie than a G.I. Joe movie. The jewel has the power to launch fireballs and cause explosions, which again makes me wonder if these people are aware that things like grenade launchers exist. These drug dealers don’t need magical, ninja-guarded jewels; they just need a black-market arms dealer and it seems like that would be the easier option.
I’m not sure why this movie exists. It isn’t terrible, but I’m not sure who it was made for. Everything, even the basic concept, would throw off G.I. Joe fans, yet it also does little to attract new fans to the brand. It has a plot that would fit into a 70s martial arts movie (maybe minus the mutated anacondas), but has a modern, kinetic style that wouldn’t appeal to fans of martial arts movies. This is just a thing that exists for no particular reason and will be forgotten by both me and time.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snake_Eyes_(2021_film)#/media/File:Snake_Eyes_G.I._Joe_Origins_Movie_Poster.jpg
