I’ve never been this confused by a movie in which nothing happens.
Before I get any shit from Harry Potter fans, I want to preface this by saying that I don’t dislike Harry Potter. No, I haven’t read the books. But I have seen all of the movies and think that, overall, they are fine. Granted, the first one that I watched was the last one and that was a mistake (I recall asking my friend why the guy without a nose was so pissed off). But then I borrowed the boxset from a friend (thanks, Amanda), watched them in order and generally liked them. I think they peaked with the third one and then went downhill, but still not bad. I even went to Harry Potter World. Not my idea, but it was fucking magical.
So I’m fine with Harry Potter, but the Fantastic Beasts movies blow. I was very critical of the first one because I had no fucking idea what was going on. A lot of Harry Potter fans have yelled at me about that, saying that I just don’t understand the source material. Well, I shouldn’t need to know the goddamn source material because a good writer should be making the material accessible for people that don’t know the written lore. That’s not an issue with the audience, that’s shitty writing. This doesn’t really suffer from that problem because it’s a 2 hour and 15 minute movie with only about 20 minutes of plot. So this time I was bored rather than confused. Progress?
Grindelwald (played by Johnny Depp) escapes from prison. Then two hours of nothing happens. Then Grindelwald gives a speech about how he wants to kill all non-magical people. The end. Really, the first two of these films have taken nearly 5 hours of film, but can be summarized in one sentence: Grindelwald is an evil wizard that wants to kill non-magical people. That’s not efficient screenwriting. Grindelwald doesn’t really even commit any crimes in this movie and that’s the title of the fucking thing. Remember how Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was split into two movies, but nothing happened in the first one? Deathly Hallows Part 1 was basically two hours of camping so that we would have to pay again to see shit actually happen in Part 2. Well, the Fantastic Beasts movies are basically the same trick as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, except now stretched into two movies of fucking nothing. Can’t wait to feel like an asshole when I pay to see the next one and I’m still hoping that something happens. Maybe Grindelwald will finally commit a crime.
I guess I am somewhat exaggerating. Stuff does happen in the middle of the movie, just not anything interesting or seemingly of much importance. Dumbledore sends Newt to investigate something to combat Grindelwald. Couple of questions: 1. At what point in his life did Dumbledore stop wearing 3-piece suits and start dressing like Gandalf? Did he wake up one morning and just say “fuck it, I’m just wearing this old blanket from now on”? 2. More importantly, why does he keep sending Newt to do this shit? Newt is possibly the least intimidating, most awkward wizard in the world. Eddie Redmayne is playing the character like he’s constantly suffering from a mild stroke and a concussion at the same time. Dumbledore keeps saying that he can’t fight Grindelwald himself, for reasons that I don’t think the films have bothered to explain, but why keep sending this guy? It would be like Batman picking some random guy on the street to go fight the Joker in his place because he seems like an honorable dude. For fuck’s sake, Dumbledore, just fight the goddamn guy so I don’t have to keep following this lameass and his fat baker of a friend stumble around doing jackshit while I wait for the plot to finally happen.
I don’t have much to say about this. Maybe hardcore Harry Potter fans can get something out of this, but I just don’t care. This was originally supposed to be one movie, then they made it a trilogy, now its supposed to be 5 movies. 5. Fucking 5. Why? I’ve watched two of them and I’m still waiting for the frigging plot to start, so they are just doing it to screw over idiots like me that will keep paying to see them……goddamn it.
Image By: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fantastic_Beasts:The_Crimes_of_Grindelwald#/media/File:Fantastic_Beasts-_The_Crimes_of_Grindelwald_Poster.png
