The Doctor’s Diagnosis: D+ I went to the movies twice this week (to make up for an absence last week) and I actually saw Godzilla vs. Kong on the first trip. However, I’m reviewing The Unholy first because my brain is already struggling to retain the fact that this movie exists. Despite an oddly amazing […]
This is just a goddamn mess. The Turning is a new adaptation of Henry James’ 1898 novel The Turn of the Screw, which was already adapted as the 1961 film The Innocents. The Innocents is often cited as one of the best haunted house movies ever made, alongside films like The Haunting and The […]
Alright, I guess we’re doing this again. You might remember The Grudge from 2004, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. You might even be aware that that movie is a remake of a Japanese movie. You probably think that’s it. You would be wrong. This is the fourth American Grudge movie and there are eight (fucking […]
About a month ago, I was at the movies (as I tend to be) and I saw the trailer for The Boy 2. At the end of the trailer, a guy behind me asked “when the fuck was there a Boy 1?” That guy’s question is interesting for a couple of reasons. First, although […]
January is typically a dumping ground for movies that studios have little faith in and there is always a shitty horror movie in that mix. “January horror movie” is actually a term and it means the same as “shitty horror movie.” Well, it’s only the first week of February and Gretel & Hansel is […]
Freaky may be the most fun that I’ve had at the movies this year. That may not be saying much in 2020, but this is still a damn fun horror/comedy and that is a difficult genre blend to pull off. Thanks largely to strong performances and clever writing, Freaky manages to be both one […]
Come Play would be good as your kid’s first horror movie, especially if your kid happens to be a complete pussy. Gore? None. Bodycount? Zero. Creepy atmosphere? Fuck off with that. Cheap jump scares that can be seen coming from a mile away? Oh, you betcha. But if you are terrified of lights turning […]
The Empty Man was a rollercoaster of emotion. Actually it’s more like a log flume because it starts out pleasantly enough, then sharply drops you and never brings you back up again. With trailers that made it appear to be a copy of Slender Man and Bye Bye Man, I was fully prepared to […]
At long last, because we have all been demanding it, here is the horror movie version of Fantasy Island. For the sake of everyone under around 35 years old, an explanation may be in order. Fantasy Island was a popular tv show in the late 70s/early 80s. I was born in 84 and don’t […]
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: A group of scientists/soldiers (stop) are stuck in an underground/underwater/outer space facility (really, stop) when their equipment gets damaged (fucking stop) and they are hunted by a monster (good god, fucking stop!). It has been 41 years since Alien was released, but we still get Alien […]